Am I Wrong? Or is it Just Hormones?

Here lately, I’ve had this lingering feeling of “unfinished business”. I’m not sure what the business is, exactly, but maybe it’s because there’s so much change going on in my life? It has really been bothering me lately. I think about people that I shouldn’t even give the time of day to, and wonder if they’re okay. Wonder if they’re happy or at least content with their lives.

Then there’s constantly thinking about the baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO excited about my baby and (finally) having this little stinker… But sometimes, I’d like to converse with Adam about something OTHER than baby things. Seriously. I don’t want to forget why I fell in love with him in the first place, other than the fact that he’s the father of my child.

I think I’m just brain dumping today. My main issue (today) is worrying about my daughter finding out about my past. Oh, by the way, we found out that it’s a GIRL!! I knew from day one that I was having a girl, but no one believed me… until now. Anyways, I don’t want Reagan to find out something about me that she didn’t know and think that I’m just a horrible person. I’ve made mistakes in my life, but they led me to where I am today.. or at least that’s what everyone always says. How cliche. Maybe I should just come clean with her when she’s older so that if she finds out anything, she’ll already know the truth. Maybe I should shield her from the things I’m guilty of. I’m sure this sort of thing bothers all new parents, but it seems to consume me. I want her to think of me as a strong individual who helped raise her into the woman she’s supposed to be.

Another thing, I’m beyond stir crazy. I need some friends or a hobby or something. Anything. I think the worst part of this pregnancy has been the hormones. Not even the morning/all-day sickness. My hormones make me cry over the dumbest shit, and that frustrates me. I’ve always been the type that doesn’t really like to cry in front of others. Now it’s nothing for me to start crying in the middle of class or at a red light. If I can just make it to August, my baby will be here and all will be right with the world. Everything I’m going through is all for her–even the shitty things.

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Parenthood….Whaaaaa?!

I’ve recently started a new journey in my life… Parenthood! Holy crap. It’s scary. I’ll be 9 weeks tomorrow, and my 24/7 morning sickness is finally starting to ease up. As miserable as I’ve been, I couldn’t be more thankful. I finally have a healthy baby growing inside of me, despite how things have been for me in the past. Battling Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Reactive Hypoglycemia, things haven’t been the easiest for me health-wise.

With PCOS, doctors have told me time and time again that I would never have children, and if I managed to get pregnant, I wouldn’t carry past a few weeks. By the time I found out about this baby, I was already 6 weeks and feeling very pregnant. It hasn’t been a walk in the park–the constant nausea, the vomiting, fatigue, frequently needing to pee (no matter where I am or what I’m doing), craving the weirdest things.. But no matter how much torment this little one is putting me through, and will continue to put me through for the next 18+ years, I will never regret it.

–Emily

A Year.

A year changes everything.

A year can bring happiness.

A year can bring sorrow.

A year can change a person’s outlook on many aspects of life.

I haven’t touched this blog in a year. I haven’t needed to. Or at least I didn’t think so.

In reality, I needed this blog more than I realized. I needed my outlet.

I’m on the road to a healthy recovery, but it hasn’t been easy.

No woman believes she’s being abused until it’s too late. My family and friends pointed out all the signs. “If he loved you the way he says he does, he wouldn’t keep hurting you,” “If he loved you, he wouldn’t cheat on you,” “If he loved you, he wouldn’t treat you like shit.”

They were right. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done those things, plus some. You sucked me in. Made me believe that you loved me more than anything you’d ever had in yourΒ life. I should’ve left and never looked back the first time you cheated.. But I didn’t.

I still remember the first time like it happened yesterday. I found the pictures on your phone from the night before. Not only did you try to sleep with someone, but you kissed a different girl behind my back. Told her you didn’t have a girlfriend, when you knew you did. “Oh, I was drunk.” Valid point, when weren’t you drunk in the first 5 months of our relationship? You promised change. You saw the hurt in my eyes when you had to admit your wrongs to me. Then when I didn’t let it go after a few days, it was automatically my fault, so I dropped it because I didn’t feel like it was worth losing our relationship over. You promised to change, right? Why not give you the benefit of a doubt?

And I still remember the night that you abandoned me in a bar for an hour while you sat in the back seat of some girl’s car and got drunk with her, her friend, and one of your “bros”. Remember how you dumped me for being mad about that? Because I do. You strung me along for a month and a half after that, still living with me. Sleeping with OTHER girls, then coming home to me to sleep with me. You are the reason that I had to be tested for STDs for the first time in my life. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I’m sure you do, you just don’t care.

I could keep going with all of your wrong doings, but what good is in that for me? I care about me now. You can tell all of your friends that I slept with your so-called best friend, but we all know that I didn’t. If I had stooped to his level, wouldn’t I be with him right now? Believe it or not, I have standards…. I know, hard to believe considering I wasted a year of my life with you. You can hate me all day long, but I can guarantee this:

You will never find another Emily. You will never find another woman that will put up with your shit the way I did. You will never find another woman who loved you unconditionally, no matter how many times you broke her heart. You will never find another woman who supported you through your endeavors.

I wish you well, I really do. I hope you find a girl that can meet your caliber: likes to drink, loves drugs just a little more, and can’t stay off another man’s dick long enough to learn how to love you. Maybe then you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

In case you’re wondering, I’m doing great. I have my happiness, so thank you for that. Without your sorry ass, I would’ve never found a man. I wouldn’t have known what I was really looking for if you hadn’t shown me what I wasn’t looking for. Hmm… I guess you’re good for something after all.

Gwen Stefani had it right: “I don’t know why I cry, but I think it’s because I remember for the first time since I’ve hated you, that I used to love you.”

Letters to My Ex-Husband: Part 1

I’ve had so many people ask me in recent months, “How did you deal with such a traumatic divorce at 22?” There are multiple answers to that question, and a friend of mine recently told me that I should put everything that I’ve written (from the beginning until now) all together, so that maybe I can help others out there that are going through divorce. For the next few blog posts, I will compile all of my letters together so that maybe it will show that you are NOT alone in this. You will survive. You’re going to cry, scream, reminisce, and maybe even want what you had back. Then there’s going to come a day when you wake up and you get angry. You’ll fight back. You won’t give up until you find peace and serenity within yourself, and that will be the day that will change your life forever.

Dear Ex-Husband,
Today (December 12th, 2014) is the day that our divorce is officially legal. I’m supposed to be happy, relieved..yet, here I sit with a tear-stained face. Please do not mistaken that as a context of “missing you”, I’m not ready for that kind of humor yet. I’m upset because I’m 22 years old and I’m getting a divorce. I should have never married you. You pushed me beyond my limits, and now I’m having to find myself all over again. Who knows, maybe that isn’t your fault. Maybe it’s all my fault. For putting so much faith and love into you, that I forgot how to have faith and love in myself. You promised me Heaven, yet you gave me Hell. Oh, and thank you for putting it in the papers that I can have my maiden name back. I was going to take it back anyways.
I see that you have slandered my name all over town. I hear all kinds of stories when I come home from school on the weekends. At first, it bothered me..but now? I use it as ammunition to better myself. I am NOT a bad person because I changed. I am NOT a bad person because I fell out of love with you. I have asked for forgiveness for the things I’ve done, and I feel that I have been redeemed. I am slowly finding happiness again…without you.

All my love,
Your Ex-Wife

Nevermind.

Well, I said that I was done with this blog, but I changed my mind. I can’t stay away from here because this was always my outlet.

Now that my first semester is over, I can finally breathe….and I passed with all A’s and B’s!

2014 ends in 10 days, and honestly it flew by. The first 10 months of the year sucked. I’m still getting used to the fact that I’m no longer a wife and that I’m not responsible for someone else. It’s nice at times, but there are days where I miss it. I miss having someone depending on me 24/7.

On the other hand, I’m enjoying the dating life again. I met a handsome guy two months ago, and he has treated me like a royal queen. He works hard (sometimes so hard that I don’t get much time with him), but he always makes up for it when he can. We’re honest with each other, and he knows that no matter how many guy friends I have, I’m only looking at him. He builds me up and if I feel like I’m falling, he’s there to catch me. His family absolutely adores me and the feeling is mutual. My family thinks he’s absolutely amazing. I think they’re in love with his personality. Haha. The icing on the cake is that he’s a red head (I have a soft spot for them) and he’s 6’6″. When I’m barefooted, my head comes to his chest. He makes me feel short, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

For my 22nd birthday two weeks ago, he took me on a surprise trip to Birmingham, Alabama. We played ping pong, went out to eat, and went bowling. I felt like a little kid again, and he was the perfect person to let loose with. On top of that, he bought me an absolutely stunning diamond necklace from Kay’s, which made me cry when I opened it….and a little something from Victoria’s Secret, my favorite store.

It’s not the gifts that make me happy with him though… It’s how I feel when I’m around him. Now that I’m divorced, I look at relationships a little differently. I don’t pretend like he does no wrong. I know he does..he’s human. But we work it out. We don’t give up at the first chance. He’s special, and I’m special to him. He says I’ve changed him for the better….. Maybe it’s the other way around.

Anyways, I’m done for today. Patrick is almost home, so it’s time to FINALLY see him! πŸ˜‰

XOXO—Emily

Life of the 21 Year Old Divorcee.

Hello world! Long time, no see. You’re probably wondering why this post is titled the way it is…

I’m (almost) divorced now! Shocker, right?

Contrary to the popular belief that you’re supposed to hate your ex-spouse, I don’t hate mine. I have a million reasons to hate him, but I’m better than hatred. This divorce was for the absolute best, and I wish him all the luck in the world.

We became two different people. College has worked wonders for me. I have tons of friends, good grades, and goals. Unfortunately, keeping my marriage just wasn’t in the cards.

That’s not to say I didn’t try to make it work—because I did. A lot. But, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it.

Am I upset? I would be lying if I said yes. I stopped being upset around 2 weeks after he left. I woke up one morning, looked at myself in the mirror, and was appalled at what was staring back at me: a frail, gaunt, 10+ pounds lighter self. All for what? A boy that didn’t love me anymore?

Ever since then, I have thrown all of my energy into my friends, my family, college, work, and my extracurricular activities. I’m actually considering pledging into a sorority next semester, so that’s pretty exciting.

I don’t feel like I’m being controlled anymore. The burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and I have never been so happy before in my life. One of my professors told me the other day that divorce looked good on me. Indeed, it does.

My ex-husband is a good person with a big heart. This marriage was a rushed thing on both parts, and even though he pretty much hates me now, I hope that, with maturity, he can look at me the same way I look at him.

As you can guess, this will be my last post on this blog. You’ve all seen me at my best times, and at my worst, and I can never thank you enough. You all were (at times) the only people I felt had my back. So again, thank you. I hope that our paths will cross again, but until then, live YOUR life and BE HAPPY!!

XOXOXO—-Emily

Priorities.

I’m not going to sugar coat it: it’s hard being married while in college.

It’s hard to keep up with all your classes, assignments, friendships, housework, and a spouse. It almost feels like there isn’t enough hours in the day to do all of that, plus the necessities (eat, shower, sleep). My marriage has taken a beating since I started college, and that is partly my fault. I get to see Eric between classes and when we get home at night. By then, it’s time for homework, dinner, shower, and sleep.Β 

It sucks. I don’t regret getting married so early, but I wish someone had told me how hard it would be.Β 

I don’t even care about the fact that I can’t go party every night and get wasted, just to end up screwing some random guy. Ew. I’ve never been that kind, and I don’t plan on it. I do care about the fact that if I go out with my girlfriends, that’s less time I have with him. He says that he doesn’t mind (he hangs with his friends), but I still end up feeling guilty about it.Β 

Oh well. Maybe things will get better with time.

XOXO–Emily