The “new” normal.

The last time I posted anything was exactly a month ago… My, how life surely has changed.

I started college, and let me say, it’s the best thing I could’ve ever done for myself. It helped me to get past all of the bitter/sad feelings that I had before. It’s a very nice feeling. 

I’m ahead by at least a week in all of my classes, not because I’m an ‘overachiever’, but because I enjoy it that much. Not only that, I’ve made a few friends (some old, some new) and that makes life a lot sweeter. They kept my mind off things in the beginning, but now it’s just normal for me. 

I can be around babies and not be depressed. I kept my sister-in-law’s son overnight a few weeks ago, and it made me realize that I don’t want kids for at least 5 or more years. I’m young, I’m supposed to enjoy myself right now. 

That’s exactly what I intend to do. 

XOXO–Emily

What to title this one..?

A few nights ago, we were sitting at the hospital’s Labor & Delivery unit with my sister in law. We were just sure it was time, but 4 hours later, we were all headed home. Even at 5 in the morning, I was numb. I’m pretty sure that for the first time since this all happened, that Eric & I were actually on the same page. 

It all became real for us, as we sat there and realized that it wouldn’t be us in her shoes come February. It was a feeling that will never go away–emptiness. Some days I do just fine. I cry a little bit, think about our baby for a while, then go on about my day. Today, on the other hand, wasn’t as easy. I sat here, bawling my eyes out, telling myself that I would never understand why this happened. I texted Eric, who is at work: “Baby please hurry home. I can’t stand this. I’m trying to keep myself occupied but it hurts so much. My baby should be here safe inside of me. Not gone. What good is it doing to not have her here? It’s not doing anything but causing me the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I’m probably losing my mind.” I know he’s worried about me now. I can only imagine how bad he wants to come home RIGHT now. He asked if there was anything he could do from work, which in return, I told him no. Simply put.

No. Nothing will ever make it right. Nothing will ever take away this pain. I feel so stupid for being so upset about this. I was only 6 weeks along. But then I think of how happy I was to finally become a mother. How ready I was for this baby. How I couldn’t wait to hold him/her in my arms and shower them in kisses during their first moments in the world. Now I can’t. 

My sister told me the other day that it was for the best. No. It wasn’t. It was one of the worst things I can ever imagine. Of course, this is the same person who also told me a few days after it happened on my 1 year wedding anniversary that I’m “not a mother” and that I don’t know what it feels like (she has a 3 year old, my boogerbear). Thanks for the reminder, which ended up kicking me down and helped ruin my day.

I understand that people who have never experienced it really don’t know what it feels like… But to literally not care, or give insensitive advice? I think that’s just being selfish. 

My mother-in-law suggested that I stop smoking (I picked up the habit again after miscarrying). I felt it was better to do that instead of shooting someone. I figured she was about to give me a lecture when she informed me that once I stop “my body will pure enough to actually carry a baby next time”. Cigarettes did not kill my child. 

I’m angry, upset, depressed, a multitude of emotions. I just want everything back to normal, with my baby safely inside of me. Is that too much to ask?

XOXO–Emily

60 Little Tips That Can Change a Girl’s Life

SERENDIPITY AND CREATIVITY

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One small step for girls, one giant leap for womankind.
  1. Download a banking app.
  2. Drink more herbal tea. It will save your life.
  3. Making your own coffee/tea instead of buying it will make you a rich woman.
  4. Always have at least 6 chap sticks stocked up.
  5. Check out thrift stores. You may have to wash things three times before you get the old lady smell out, but it’s well worth it.
  6. Never buy cheap jeans.
  7. Buy cheap sunglasses instead.
  8. Don’t chase boys.
  9. Wrinkle spray and a hair dryer erase all need to ever use an iron for all of you lazy ironers like me.
  10. Wear slippers when you have to drive in heels.
  11. Wear slippers when you’re travelling.
  12. Wear slippers at all moments that it’s even slightly acceptable to wear slippers.
  13. Spend a little extra money on your make up; it’s so worth it.
  14. Get running sneakers that are actually…

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A little bit of SONshine today…

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a very good Christian. I haven’t been to church in over 2 months…which is my fault, there’s nothing stopping me from going. Every time I think of going, I feel like I’m going to be a total hypocrite. I haven’t been living my life the way I should, and I’m expected to act like I do once I walk in. I’m such a weird person. 

I found this on Pinterest a while ago, and I found it just for this blog post. It’s a photo that shows no matter how heavy our burdens are, we carry them for a reason. 

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I know that right now, Eric & I feel like our “load” is just too heavy.. But it will all make sense someday. I hope that this helps someone as much as it did for me.

Thank you to everyone who has given us encouraging words and support. The gratitude we have for you all is phenomenal, and I hope that I can help you all someday.

Love to you all, 

Emily

Missing you.

I’m trying to do better today. Being surrounded by pregnancy really makes me miss our little one. I would be 10 weeks on Monday. I feel like I’m a constant Debbie Downer with everyone, like they’re all getting tired of hearing about Baby Larsen. I don’t care. I will never get tired of talking about him (I’m pretty sure it was a boy). In my dreams, I see a baby boy, dark haired and dark eyed–a spitting image of his daddy. That’s what I wanted to give my husband. He wants children just as much as I do, and now that our baby is gone, we feel the void in our hearts. I just wish I could’ve gotten one sonogram photo. Just one. Now I’ll never know what he would’ve looked like, even at 7 weeks in utero. As I sat there and watched my sister-in-law prepare the baby’s nursery today, I thought of how I would look at 9 months pregnant, rushing around to get everything prepared and put together before our baby’s arrival. I thought of how happy Eric and I would be to be impatiently waiting for our baby to come into the world with open arms. I would’ve cried watching her today, but I just couldn’t. My eyes have cried so much that they just can’t anymore. The tears seem to only flow at night, right before bed. Maybe it’s because Eric would always kiss my belly goodnight, then me. We would cuddle up afterwards, always with his hand gently cradling my abdomen. My uterus would spasm at time, and I couldn’t wait to be far enough along to feel the baby kick and squirm inside of me.

Folks, today is one of those days for me. One of those days where I sit and imagine and daydream what my life would be like, even now, if I still had my baby. I asked Eric last night, “What’s the one thing you were looking forward to the most?” His response made my eyes swell with tears. “Seeing and holding him for the first time.” I could tell by the look on his face when he said it that he was hurting too. Deep down under his strong exterior, is a man that hurts for the child he never got to meet. He misses the baby just as much as I do, even if he doesn’t know how to show it. 

 I know that one of these days I’ll be fine again. Or maybe I’ll be “fine”. Who knows? Will there ever be a day that you just get over something like this? Even if there is, I’ll probably never find that day.

XOXOXO–Emily

P.S. I found this song the other day, and let me forewarn you: If you decide to listen to it, you’re gonna need tissues. It makes me sad, yet happy at the same time. 

Life is anything but a fairytale.

We found out we were pregnant on June 27th. Ecstatic isn’t even the word to describe what we felt that day. I was roughly about 5 weeks and a few days along. Our estimated due date was February 23, 2015. We told my sister, my husband’s siblings, my older niece and nephew, and my mother-in-law. I had made a doctor’s appointment for a week and a half after we found out. I didn’t think it would get here fast enough. I couldn’t wait to see the first ultrasound, and hear the baby’s heartbeat. But that never had the chance to happen.

I lost my baby on July 1st, just after the 6 week mark. I haven’t been the same since. I cry all the time, at different intervals. It’s all I can think about. These past 2 weeks, almost 3, have been a literal nightmare. I have cried, I have screamed, I even resorted to burning myself in the shower. It seemed like the scalding hot water was the only thing that would keep my mind off everything. The first time I did it, Eric walked in on me and figured out what I was doing. Now, he won’t let me take a shower without him in the room. He doesn’t want me doing it, and honestly I don’t want to. So instead of that, I just brush my teeth constantly. It’s a way to channel that energy into something besides harming myself.

As short as this post is, I just can’t say anything else. Maybe some other time, I can be more open about everything. Until then, take care of yourselves.

-Emily

Just what I needed

Someone I know sent me this today, and I just thought I’d share it. It makes so much sense to me right about now.

It’s scary to find someone that makes you happy.

You start giving them all of your attention because they’re what makes you forget everything bad that’s going on in your life. They’re the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end your day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it’s scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away too when they go.

Truthfully, it is scary to think about that special someone leaving us and taking everything we’ve ever given them: love, affection, even our deepest, darkest secrets that we would never share with anyone else. 

If you’ve ever had to deal with someone leaving you, no matter the situation: it will be alright. Everything always works itself out in the end. Your wife left because she was seeing another man? Well, she wasn’t the woman for you. She was a lesson learned for you. Maybe you left them because they were addicted to something you were against. That’s okay too. You owe it to yourself to pick up the pieces of your own life and move on. Do the things you want to do. Focus on yourself. Yeah, you’ll be lonely. You might even miss that person from time to time. Time heals all wounds, and that’s a promise I can make.

XOXOXO—Emily