A year changes everything.
A year can bring happiness.
A year can bring sorrow.
A year can change a person’s outlook on many aspects of life.
I haven’t touched this blog in a year. I haven’t needed to. Or at least I didn’t think so.
In reality, I needed this blog more than I realized. I needed my outlet.
I’m on the road to a healthy recovery, but it hasn’t been easy.
No woman believes she’s being abused until it’s too late. My family and friends pointed out all the signs. “If he loved you the way he says he does, he wouldn’t keep hurting you,” “If he loved you, he wouldn’t cheat on you,” “If he loved you, he wouldn’t treat you like shit.”
They were right. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done those things, plus some. You sucked me in. Made me believe that you loved me more than anything you’d ever had in your life. I should’ve left and never looked back the first time you cheated.. But I didn’t.
I still remember the first time like it happened yesterday. I found the pictures on your phone from the night before. Not only did you try to sleep with someone, but you kissed a different girl behind my back. Told her you didn’t have a girlfriend, when you knew you did. “Oh, I was drunk.” Valid point, when weren’t you drunk in the first 5 months of our relationship? You promised change. You saw the hurt in my eyes when you had to admit your wrongs to me. Then when I didn’t let it go after a few days, it was automatically my fault, so I dropped it because I didn’t feel like it was worth losing our relationship over. You promised to change, right? Why not give you the benefit of a doubt?
And I still remember the night that you abandoned me in a bar for an hour while you sat in the back seat of some girl’s car and got drunk with her, her friend, and one of your “bros”. Remember how you dumped me for being mad about that? Because I do. You strung me along for a month and a half after that, still living with me. Sleeping with OTHER girls, then coming home to me to sleep with me. You are the reason that I had to be tested for STDs for the first time in my life. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I’m sure you do, you just don’t care.
I could keep going with all of your wrong doings, but what good is in that for me? I care about me now. You can tell all of your friends that I slept with your so-called best friend, but we all know that I didn’t. If I had stooped to his level, wouldn’t I be with him right now? Believe it or not, I have standards…. I know, hard to believe considering I wasted a year of my life with you. You can hate me all day long, but I can guarantee this:
You will never find another Emily. You will never find another woman that will put up with your shit the way I did. You will never find another woman who loved you unconditionally, no matter how many times you broke her heart. You will never find another woman who supported you through your endeavors.
I wish you well, I really do. I hope you find a girl that can meet your caliber: likes to drink, loves drugs just a little more, and can’t stay off another man’s dick long enough to learn how to love you. Maybe then you’ll understand where I’m coming from.
In case you’re wondering, I’m doing great. I have my happiness, so thank you for that. Without your sorry ass, I would’ve never found a man. I wouldn’t have known what I was really looking for if you hadn’t shown me what I wasn’t looking for. Hmm… I guess you’re good for something after all.
Gwen Stefani had it right: “I don’t know why I cry, but I think it’s because I remember for the first time since I’ve hated you, that I used to love you.”