Here lately, I’ve had this lingering feeling of “unfinished business”. I’m not sure what the business is, exactly, but maybe it’s because there’s so much change going on in my life? It has really been bothering me lately. I think about people that I shouldn’t even give the time of day to, and wonder if they’re okay. Wonder if they’re happy or at least content with their lives.
Then there’s constantly thinking about the baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO excited about my baby and (finally) having this little stinker… But sometimes, I’d like to converse with Adam about something OTHER than baby things. Seriously. I don’t want to forget why I fell in love with him in the first place, other than the fact that he’s the father of my child.
I think I’m just brain dumping today. My main issue (today) is worrying about my daughter finding out about my past. Oh, by the way, we found out that it’s a GIRL!! I knew from day one that I was having a girl, but no one believed me… until now. Anyways, I don’t want Reagan to find out something about me that she didn’t know and think that I’m just a horrible person. I’ve made mistakes in my life, but they led me to where I am today.. or at least that’s what everyone always says. How cliche. Maybe I should just come clean with her when she’s older so that if she finds out anything, she’ll already know the truth. Maybe I should shield her from the things I’m guilty of. I’m sure this sort of thing bothers all new parents, but it seems to consume me. I want her to think of me as a strong individual who helped raise her into the woman she’s supposed to be.
Another thing, I’m beyond stir crazy. I need some friends or a hobby or something. Anything. I think the worst part of this pregnancy has been the hormones. Not even the morning/all-day sickness. My hormones make me cry over the dumbest shit, and that frustrates me. I’ve always been the type that doesn’t really like to cry in front of others. Now it’s nothing for me to start crying in the middle of class or at a red light. If I can just make it to August, my baby will be here and all will be right with the world. Everything I’m going through is all for her–even the shitty things.