Missing you.

I’m trying to do better today. Being surrounded by pregnancy really makes me miss our little one. I would be 10 weeks on Monday. I feel like I’m a constant Debbie Downer with everyone, like they’re all getting tired of hearing about Baby Larsen. I don’t care. I will never get tired of talking about him (I’m pretty sure it was a boy). In my dreams, I see a baby boy, dark haired and dark eyed–a spitting image of his daddy. That’s what I wanted to give my husband. He wants children just as much as I do, and now that our baby is gone, we feel the void in our hearts. I just wish I could’ve gotten one sonogram photo. Just one. Now I’ll never know what he would’ve looked like, even at 7 weeks in utero. As I sat there and watched my sister-in-law prepare the baby’s nursery today, I thought of how I would look at 9 months pregnant, rushing around to get everything prepared and put together before our baby’s arrival. I thought of how happy Eric and I would be to be impatiently waiting for our baby to come into the world with open arms. I would’ve cried watching her today, but I just couldn’t. My eyes have cried so much that they just can’t anymore. The tears seem to only flow at night, right before bed. Maybe it’s because Eric would always kiss my belly goodnight, then me. We would cuddle up afterwards, always with his hand gently cradling my abdomen. My uterus would spasm at time, and I couldn’t wait to be far enough along to feel the baby kick and squirm inside of me.

Folks, today is one of those days for me. One of those days where I sit and imagine and daydream what my life would be like, even now, if I still had my baby. I asked Eric last night, “What’s the one thing you were looking forward to the most?” His response made my eyes swell with tears. “Seeing and holding him for the first time.” I could tell by the look on his face when he said it that he was hurting too. Deep down under his strong exterior, is a man that hurts for the child he never got to meet. He misses the baby just as much as I do, even if he doesn’t know how to show it.Β 

Β I know that one of these days I’ll be fine again. Or maybe I’ll be “fine”. Who knows? Will there ever be a day that you just get over something like this? Even if there is, I’ll probably never find that day.

XOXOXO–Emily

P.S. I found this song the other day, and let me forewarn you: If you decide to listen to it, you’re gonna need tissues. It makes me sad, yet happy at the same time.Β 

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9 thoughts on “Missing you.

  1. Dani

    I’m so sorry, Emily. I hope that you and Eric will draw closer together through this and continue to honor the memory of your little one.

    All my best,
    Dani

    P.S. It will get better. I promise.

    Reply
  2. Dani

    I’m happy to, Emily. Goodness knows, there have been those who were there for me when I needed their words, as well.

    Heart,
    Dani

    Reply
    1. mrselarsen13 Post author

      It just seems like everyone that knows in our families just doesn’t care. The only comfort we’ve received is from complete strangers like you. So thank you for re-establishing my faith in humanity. πŸ™‚

      -Emily

      Reply
      1. Dani

        Please try to extend them a bit of grace, Emily. I know it seems like they don’t care, but it’s more likely that they shy away from it/don’t say anything because they don’t know what to say or do. At least that has been my experience with those who clearly love me, but seem to have forgotten how to post-losses.

        I have found the most comfort through those who know this pain intimately–both friends in heart and strangers who have become sisters in loss.

        Here if you need,
        Dani

  3. phoenixandstars

    It’s difficult going from measuring time in weeks to tears and the weight of empty arms. I am truly sorry for your loss, I understand the pain all to well. It never goes away, but it becomes more manageable, which is more than anyone could ask for with how painful their journey has been.

    Reply
    1. mrselarsen13 Post author

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry that you have gone through the pain as well. I’ve learned that it is possibly one of the worst feelings anyone could ever go through. It gives me a bit of hope knowing that one day it will become manageable.. That will be a relief.

      Reply
  4. katcobb

    I understand the hurt you feel after the loss of a baby. It’s painful to look at other happy glowing pregnant women without feeling sad or hurt. Btw I love that song. Have you read the book? It’s a good one if you need some comfort. Hugs.
    -Kathryn

    Reply
    1. mrselarsen13 Post author

      Thank you so much. It is very painful, considering my husband’s 17 year old sister is due any day now, I’m surrounded by pregnancy and “happiness” 24/7. I didn’t know there was a book! I will definitely check it out.
      XOXO–Emily

      Reply

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